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It's hard to sum up how to support a child or teenager without being overly general because, simply like big wrinkly humans, they are complicated individuals who think, experience, act, and react to life in their ain unique ways.

An adolescent'due south grief can be impacted by any number of things including but not limited to, their unique relationship with the individual, how the individual died, their support system, past experiences with death, and their own unique strengths and weaknesses when it comes to dealing with stress, adversity, and high emotion.  Grownups seeking to support an adolescent should effort to recall that a wide range of responses are considered 'normal' and there's no one formula for providing back up.

Fortunately, conventional wisdom says the all-time way to support a grieving adolescent is to 'companion' them, which is just a fancy way of maxim exist there for them which you (hopefully) already know how to exercise.  You can 'companion' a teen by supporting them, talking openly and honestly, listening, allowing them to grieve how they want, and allowing them to decide how they volition cope (with the exception of self-destructive behaviors).

Yeah I know, this sounds a lot like supporting adults.  And, although younger tweens and teens still have some work to do emotionally and developmentally, older teens (approximately sixteen-18) who are able to understand complex relationships and other'southward points of view, are likely to grieve in the same way adults practice.

Nosotros advise for children of any age you exercise the following:

  • Acknowledge their presence, their importance, their opinions, thoughts, and feelings.
  • Be patient and open up-minded. Allow them to grieve in their ain way.
  • Exist available – Sit with the kid, listen to them, and answer their questions.
  • Let them know that a range of unlike emotions is normal.
  • Validate their feelings and do not minimize them.
  • Check in with other adults involved in their life – teachers, school counselors, coaches.
  • Find age-appropriate resources.  Check out our favorite resource for supporting teens and young adults over here.

Now, I know anyone who's e'er lived with an adolescent is thinking,

"Dude, I'm intimately acquainted with a teenager and they are zilch similar adults."

And you're right, we would be remiss if we didn't admit teenagers come with their ain ready of grief considerations.  But it'south important to emphasize the above because at the end of the day our best communication volition always be to walk with the adolescent through their grief while still honoring developed-ly responsibilities like drawing limits, providing guidance, and setting a practiced example.

Okay then back to those teenage grief considerations, when supporting an adolescent one should remember the following:

This may be their offset feel with death:

For many children, this is their showtime feel with expiry.  For pregnant relationships, children may come to define their lives in terms of 'before' the death and 'later' the decease.  Afterwards a expiry, adolescents may experience the following for the outset time:

  • End of life rituals and etiquette:  Many children accept even so to attend a funeral or memorial service well into their teen years.  Rituals and etiquette may cause anxiety for adolescents, specially if they don't know what to expect or how to human action.  Additionally, teens may be uncomfortable with the feeling of being on phase as everyone watches to meet how they're coping.
    • Tip: Set the child for what to await depending on the type of services you are going to have.  Include them in the planning.  Talk almost what, if any, elements they would similar to be a part of and what, if any, they tin opt out of.  Encourage them to participate but don't force.
  • Emotions:  For adolescents who have niggling experience with trauma, death, pain, or stress, this will be the offset fourth dimension they experience the overwhelming emotions related to grief.  This tin be frightening and many don't take the cocky-sensation to know what types of coping strategies will help.  More than on emotions later.
    • Tip: Normalize the range of emotions grievers are apt to experience.  Prepare them for shifts in emotion and requite them permission to laugh and feel happy when they feel similar it.  Help them brainstorm coping strategies based on their personality and strengths.  Offer options such equally counseling, journaling, and workbooks, just don't push button.
  • Questions about life's meaning:  Non all teens are ready to ponder life's complex existential questions, but they are certainly old enough to contemplate 'why's and 'what for'south in the face up of a decease.  This may be the commencement time their worldview, religious views, or sense of immortality has been challenged.
    • Tip: Let for open up dialogue almost a life'due south philosophical, theological, and logistical questions.  Don't minimize their questions and help them find their own answers.  Support them in talking to religious leaders if appropriate.  Try and recall that while y'all've had years to ponder the meaning of life and death, these are questions they are merely just beginning to ask.

Teens are dependent:

Most teens are dependent on adults and/or their family unit members for i thing or another. A death in the master support arrangement tin cause feet and worry for teens considering there'southward the potential for things similar family structures, living arrangements, finances, emotional support, and day-to-day living to change.  A death can weaken the primary support system/family construction in the following ways:

  • Loss of a parent:  The death of a parent can have a huge impact on a teen. Duh.  Okay, and then which parent died?  Was it their gender role model?  Was it the parent who they relied on the about?  The disciplinarian?  The comforter?  The nurturer?
    • Tip: Consider the roles this parent filled for the child and acknowledge these losses.  You can't replace the parent, but y'all may have to step in and fill their shoes to some caste.  Y'all might become the rule enforcer or you might want to try to exist more of a comforter (in your own way please, don't be bad-mannered).
    • If the deceased was their same gender parent, think about other male/female adults who could take a positive influence on them.  Spend more than fourth dimension with that person every bit a Crying girlfamily, or support the child in spending one-on-ane fourth dimension with them (Helpful Hint: Clue the adult in that they 'take been selected', may the odds be ever in their favor).
  • Physical instability and insecurity:  With the loss of a family unit fellow member, physical stability can exist threatened in several ways.  A few examples include loss of financial security, a change in housing, a new school, or fear of beingness orphaned.
    • Tip: Hash out the family's condition, decisions, and plans for the future with adolescents.  Tell them the truth and give them choices, this will assistance them regain a sense of control.  Some changes cannot be prevented, so concur a family conference to talk over concerns and make up one's mind how tough situations can be made easier.
  • Adult emotional instability:  Post-obit death, teens may witness the adults in charge really struggle. Grieving parents and caregivers may nowadays every bit extremely emotional, unable to care for the child's needs, or unable to fill parental roles (perhaps their own or perhaps those of a deceased parent).
    • Tip: It's okay to grieve and bear witness emotion in front of an adolescent, this normalizes feelings and sets a good example for expressing oneself.  Just be self-aware, if your emotion is extreme it could crusade anxiety for the adolescent and/or put them in the position of having to back up you.  If you experience yourself losing control, it's time to await at your own coping.
  • Parental discord: Grief can strain relationships, even if the death merely affects one-one-half of the couple.  Every bit a result of grief parents may withdraw from one some other, debate, get their feelings hurt, and/or break upwards/divorce.  Complications in a relationship can have a profound impact on the child.
    • Tip: Families experiencing extreme discord might consider seeing a Couples Therapist or a Union and Family Therapist.   If breakup/divorce is inevitable, be aware this comes with its ain fix of complications for an boyish and will possibly feel like a secondary loss.

They have their whole lives ahead of them:

Which ways they take a life total of milestones and rituals like weddings, graduations, learning to drive, birthdays, and first jobs; and they likely imagined their loved 1 would be a part of these.  Information technology'south mutual for children to grieve these hereafter rites of passage then feel the loss all over over again when they occur.

  • Tip:  When these events whorl effectually, admit the impact of the deceased person's absence.   Let the teen (or past then, adult) know information technology'due south okay to feel sadness fifty-fifty though it's also a happy day.  Discuss and encourage artistic ways to comprise your loved 1's memory in the day/event.  Check out our posts on remembering your loved i on your wedding 24-hour interval hither and here.

They're searching for their identity:

A major job during teen-hood is the quest to define oneself.  What are their likes and dislikes?  What are they practiced at? What is their personal fashion? What are their values and beliefs?  Inevitably, equally information technology does with everyone, the decease of someone they dearest will touch on how they define themselves in the present and future.   Consider the following:

  • They are the kid whose [insert relation] died:  It's mutual for a teen to be the but person in their peer grouping to have experienced the expiry of someone important.  Equally such, they may feel alone in their experience and/or similar a novelty to teens who are clueless well-nigh grief and death.
    • Tip: Exist available to talk nearly their experiences.  Don't take it the incorrect mode if they endeavor to ignore the loss and deed like zero has happened.  To teens, peer relationships can experience more important than developed relationships and then they may prefer to talk to trusted friends rather than adults.  Offer them the opportunity to spend time with other teens who've had similar experiences through teen back up groups or teen grief camps.
  • Practice they accept to accept on new roles as a result of the death?:  A grieving teen may find they have to assist more effectually the house, especially when their parent(s) are also grieving.  Teens are often asked to take on adult responsibilities like carpooling, childcare, emotional support, part-time jobs, and role model for younger children.
    • Tip:  Attempt to retrieve that younger and middle teens are not yet adults. Take a hard look at the ceremoniousness of the roles they're taking on.  Responsibleness is good as long as information technology'due south age-advisable and they however have adequate time for school work, hobbies, and fun.
  • They tin experience overshadowed by a sibling'south death:  Children who've experienced the death of a sibling may find themselves feeling overlooked and overshadowed.  We encourage parents to talk almost and remember their deceased children; just be enlightened that when the deceased child gets the majority of the attention, living siblings tin feel jealous and worried they don't measure up.
    • Tip:  Don't compare.  Information technology's ever practiced communication to focus on private children and their individual strengths.  Make certain your children get equal attention and acknowledge their qualities and accomplishments whenever possible…I mean, why not?

They may mask emotion or emotional expressions may expect different:

Teens experience and limited emotions differently than adults. Over again, duh.  Your teen's emotional expressions may surprise you lot, they may seem over dramatic or conversely they may seem repressed. Where emotions are concerned teens:

  • May be embarrassed about their feelings:  Ofttimes, adolescents want to fit in and go unnoticed. 'Grieving' may differentiate them in a mode they're not comfy with. Younger teens especially (12-14) tend to feel there is something of an imaginary audience watching what they practice; for this reason, they may exist cautious about how and when theysad boylimited emotions.  Teens, but like adults, may choose to grieve privately and may downplay their grief in the presence of others.
    • Tip: Permit the teen to limited their emotions when and how they like.  Don't make them feel guilty for acting as though nothing is wrong, this doesn't mean they don't intendance.  If they're open to your assistance, assist them detect ways to grieve they're comfortable with.  Some adolescents may find comfort in the privacy of a journal, volume, or a one-on-one grief counselor.  Equally always, be patient and follow their lead.
  • Expression of emotion may seem volatile:  Adolescents can shift moods pretty speedily; one infinitesimal they're happy and the next infinitesimal they're distressed.  To some degree, these shifts in mood are due to increased hormones and their developing brains and bodies; but the farthermost emotions of grief can have the mood-swing-upshot on teens and adults alike.  Yous may find yourself scratching your head wondering what made them so upset, but they may not fifty-fifty be able to identify the trigger (only like adults).
    • Tip: Try to put their emotional expression into context.  Understand the wide range of emotions associated with grief and conceptualize teens may be more likely to limited emotions like anger than sadness.  Try to be open, accepting, and validating of their emotions and brand certain they know you're available to talk. Seek exterior help if you're worried they've been distressed, withdrawn, depressed, or destructive for a prolonged period of time.Check out our post on normal vs not and then normal grief.
  • May seem self-focused:  Adolescents, in general, can be very self-focused.  Younger teens specially (12-14) have a difficult time taking other's perspectives into account.  This is a skill that has to be learned as their brain develops and then they ofttimes come off looking self-centered and defective in empathy. It follows that younger teens volition accept difficulty understanding other's grief reactions when they are different from their own. Jill's things are important to me, how could Dad make clean out her room?  I'm even so pitiful, how could Mom possibly call up about dating?
    • Tip: Exist patient.

Teens are invincible superhero's (in their mind) i.due east. impulsive crazy people:

Generally speaking, teens are far more impulsive and willing to take risks than their adult handlers.  Younger to middle teens are specially apt to experience invincible and immortal. Both teens and adults employ destructive coping mechanisms like alcohol, substance utilize, sexual activity, antisocial behavior, and withdraw, just teens are less like likely to accurately assess gamble and use skillful judgment.  Conversely, they are more likely to experiment and accept perilous chances.

  • Tip:Sometimes when a child experiences the unthinkable pain of grief, adults feel compelled to go easy on them in ways that are overly permissible and enabling.  Sometimes adults are besides distracted past their own grief to notice what's going on with their children.  Don't let this happen – don't hesitate to enquire questions and medal when information technology seems necessary. Call back, as a parent, caregiver, or concerned adult it is your job to draw lines and set limits.  Y'all won't have command of them for much longer, then set limits while you can.
  • If you're worried virtually how your child is coping,yous may want to speak to their md, schoolhouse counselor, or a child psychologist.  If they always limited thoughts of harming themselves or others you should call 911, get to your local emergency room, or call a local crisis response team.  In the US you can seek support 24/7 through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

Practise you know someone helping a teenager deal with grief?  Ship this article their fashion.  And of form, subscribe to 'What's Your Grief' (over on the right) to receive posts straight to your east-mail service inbox.

Adopt to listen to your grief back up?  Check out our podcast on supporting a grieving teen.

Let'due south be grief friends.

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